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Petunia's Not Funny/Transcript
This is an episode transcript for Petunia's Not Funny. Transcript (Scene opens to inside Bob and Larry's house, where the sound of laughter is heard, while Larry is balancing a tray with several glasses of water on it on his head and has a hula hoop around his neck.) Larry: So I says, I says, "That was no Buffalorange, that was my wife!" All: (laughing) (Larry starts hula hooping while balancing the water glasses on his head.) Archibald: Oh, Larry, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen! Larry: Five waters for five vegetables! What could possibly go wrong? (Larry then trips after that.) Madame Blueberry: Oh, this is too much! What a riot! (Larry catches four of the glasses of water on the tray, the fifth one landing in his mouth, as he drinks it down.) All: Yay! Hooray! Wonderful! Bob: If you all thought that was funny, get a load of this joke! Did you hear the one about the banana who kept leaving his laundry on the floor? He slipped on his own peel! All: (laughing) Archibald: More like a banana splat! (laughing) Madame Blueberry: Banana splat! (laughing) Bob: (laughing) All: (laughing) Archibald: Who else is funny? Madame Blueberry: Well, I haven't done this in years, but I used to be a mime on the streets of Par-ee. (Madame Blueberry starts doing a mime act, acting like she is running into a wall.) All: (laughing) Archibald: Blueberry! Larry: She fell over! Bob: We are a funny bunch! Petunia: Oh, let me try! Let me try! Larry: Go for it, Petunia! Petunia: Okay, okay, so there's this carrot, and he- well, he's a baby carrot. Well, he's not a baby-baby, but he's small, right? And, but that really doesn't have anything to do with the joke so- (Time skip) Petunia: So, he turns to the rutabaga and- (Time skip) Petunia: He's having lunch, or maybe it's brunch, but this- (Time skip) Petunia: Okay, so he turns to him and says- (Time skip) Petunia: "What's it gonna be? Organic or from out of my shoebox?" (laughing) All: (forced laughter) Archibald: That was the longest joke I ever heard. Madame Blueberry: I feel faint. Petunia: (laughing) Want me to tell another one? All: No! Bob: I mean, maybe we can do something else now! Say, Larry, could you help me with something in the kitchen? (Bob winks at Larry, who is confused, before Bob does some subtle motions, which Larry finally understands.) Larry: Ohhhh, yes! Let us go to the kitchen for something! (Bob and Larry leave to the kitchen.) Larry: That joke was horrible! Bob: Larry, shhhh! You're gonna hurt her feelings! Larry: It was so unfunny, I may never laugh again! Bob: Come on, it wasn't that bad! (Bob peeks out from the kitchen to see Petunia holding a cup.) Petunia: Why do they call you a cup? Wouldn't a... a... a... a better name be like, "water management device"? Huh? Archibald: Yes, I get it! I don't get it at all. Bob: Oh. Yep, it was that bad. Larry: We've gotta do something. You need to tell her she's not funny. Bob: No, we don't wanna hurt her feelings. Besides, this will all blow over real fast, I'm sure. (The sound of Petunia laughing is heard, before Bob and Larry come out of the kitchen.) Petunia: You know what? I'm going to sell my flower delivery business and become a professional comedian. (Madame Blueberry, Mayor Archibald, Larry, and Bob are subtly horrified when Petunia says this.) Petunia: Thanks for the inspiration, guys! See ya! Larry: Now we gotta tell her! Hey, Petunia! (Petunia turns around.) Bob: Wait, what? Larry: We have to tell her! Petunia: Tell me what? Larry: Petunia, you're- (Bob pulls Larry back and throws him down.) Petunia: Tell me what? Larry: You can't sell your shop because- (Bob sits on Larry again before he can finish.) Larry: -Because- Bob: Larry... Larry: -you're- Bob: No. Larry: Thank you for coming, Petunia. (Bob and Larry smile nervously. Petunia then leaves after that.) Bob: Phew! At least nobody got their feelings hurt. (Larry falls over after that. Scene switches to Petunia making a flower delivery.) Petunia: Flower delivery! Corn Woman: Oh, thank you. Petunia: Did you hear I'm selling my flower business and becoming a professional comedian? These are my last deliveries! Corn Woman: You're gonna become a comedian? Petunia: Yep! Corn Woman: You? Petunia: Mmm-hmm. Corn Woman: Petunia Rhubarb? Petunia: That's right! Corn Woman: A comedian? Petunia: You got it! Corn Woman: You? Petunia: Mmm-hmm. (Camera zooms out to show Bob and Larry watching everything going on between Petunia and Corn Woman.) Larry: Okay, we have to tell Petunia she's not funny before she sells her flower business. But how? Bob: Maybe we can tell her a bad joke so she sees what it's like? Larry: Let's do it! (Scene switches to Petunia approaching Pa Grape's store with her flowers.) Bob: Petunia! I got a joke for you! Petunia: Oh boy! Here we go! Let's hear it! Bob: Knock Knock! Petunia: I love Knock Knock jokes! Bob: Oh, that's good! Petunia: Oh, that's good who? (Bob becomes incredulous.) Bob: Wait, what just happened? Petunia: Wait, what just happened? (beat, laughing) Oh, that's a good one, Bob! I'll have to remember that! (Petunia leaves, while Bob still stands in shock about what happened, then shakes his head.) Bob: Wait, seriously, what just happened? Larry: Wow, that backfired. Okay, I have an idea. Let's tell her the funniest joke ever! You know, the one about the tomato, the apple, and the cherry that all became matadors. Bob: Best joke ever! Larry: Exactly! We tell her that joke and then she'll see what a masterfully-told joke sounds like! (Scene switches to Petunia making a series of funny faces for Captain Mike, after giving him a flower.) Captain Mike: Ha, ha! Yeah! Those sure are 100 funny faces that, but I'm, I'm not so sure I need to see the other 400, okay, Petunia? Larry: (Off-screen) Hey, Petunia! (Captain Mike goes back inside the house again, while Bob and Larry come up to Petunia again.) Larry: How would you like to hear the scientifically-proven funniest joke ever? Petunia: I sure would! Larry: Great! Okay! So a tomato- Petunia: Gets embarrased but no one can tell?! (laughing) Larry: Uh, no. Uh, there's a tomato and an apple- Petunia: And the apple wonders how the tomato fell so far from the tree? (deep voice) Hey! Hey, how'd you fall so far?! I can't fall that far from the tree! (raspberry sound, laughing) Larry: No, hold on! There's a tomato, an apple, and a cherry, and uh... oh, I forget. Petunia: And all three are like, "I'm seeing double"! (laughing) Larry: No, that's not the joke. Petunia: Oh, that was the funniest joke of all time, Larry! Thanks. Well, I got my final deliveries to make before I sell the shop and enter the glamorous world of comedy. (puts on a pair of sunglasses) See you later. (Petunia leaves while still pulling her wagon of flowers, leaving Bob and Larry behind.) Larry: This is harder than I thought. I'm all outta ideas. How are we gonna tell Petunia she's not funny without hurting her feelings? Bob: Hmm. There's only one thing left to do. Larry: You mean? Bob: I'm afraid so. Larry: No! Not that! Bob: Yes, that. Larry: Not the- Bob: Yes! The town meeting! (Scene switches to a gavel being banged on a desk, the gavel being held by Mayor Archibald.) Archibald: I hereby call this town meeting to order! Bob: We called this town meeting because we have something very serious to talk about. Larry: We need to tell Petunia she isn't funny! Ichabeezer: Here, here! Bob: But we don't wanna hurt her feelings. Petunia is our friend and we all love her. So how we do this is very important. Larry: We thought you might all have some ideas! Corn Woman: We could buy her a parrot, and it could, like, squawk real loud everytime she talks so no one can hear her. Larry: Eh, too feathery. Archibald: Write a note and put it in a fortune cookie so that she can find it the next time she eats Chinese food! Bob: Eh, too indirect. Ichabeezer: Hey, I'll get a bullhorn and shout (through bullhorn) "Petunia's not funny!" (normal voice) over and over until my throat is dry! Larry: Uh, too not indirect. Bacon Bill: Let's do nothing, because Petunia's hilarious! (Everyone looks at Bacon Bill.) Bacon Bill: Well, I think she's funny! Bob: This is getting us nowhere! Pa: Oh, you don't need parrots or bullhorns or fortune cookies. You just need kindness! Proverbs 15:4 tells us that kind words are a tree of life, but mean words can hurt someone. (singing) Be honest with your friends But be super kind to them And be careful With the words you choose Speak the truth in love And ask the Lord above To help you with the words you use If you've gotta let 'em down Let your kindness lift 'em up Speak the truth but please Use a gentle touch Please be kind Please be kind If it's a truth that's gonna sting There's no reason to be mean Speak your heart and mind Be honest and kind Please be kind Please be kind If the truth is gonna sting There's no reason to be mean Speak your heart and mind Be honest and kind Speak your heart and mind Be honest and kind Speak your heart and mind Be honest and kind (The song ends as everyone cheers.) Bob: Pa is right, we should use kind words. And since we all love Petunia, we should all do it together. (Scene switches to Petunia's house, before cutting to inside, where Petunia enters the greenhouse, becoming surprised to see Bob, Larry, Madame Blueberry, Ichabeezer, Bacon Bill, Mayor Archibald, Pa, and Corn Woman in the greenhouse.) Petunia: Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise? What are you all doing here? Making a salad? (laughing) (Madame Blueberry gently nudges Bob forward.) Bob: (clears throat) No, Petunia, we all something to tell you. Petunia: What? At the same time? Boy, that's sure gonna be hard to understand, huh? (laughing) (Everyone looks at each other while Petunia is still laughing.) Bob: (sighs) No, we all have the same thing to tell you. Petunia: Oh. Bob: Petunia, we're your friends and we love you no matter what, but we all need to tell you... (Close-up on the faces of Madame Blueberry, Larry, Bacon Bill, Mayor Archibald, and Ichabeezer, before Bob finally speaks up.) Bob: (exhales) You're not funny. (Everyone awaits for Petunia's reaction to the news.) Petunia: Yeah, I know. Bob: (surprised) What?! You know?! Petunia: Oh yeah. I know none of you like my jokes. I don't mind. I found them hilarious. All: (sighing in relief.) Ichabeezer: (disappointed) Aw! Archibald: Oh, that is a relief! Madame Blueberry: You could cut the tension with a knife. Bacon Bill: I think you're funny, Petunia! Ichabeezer: Oh, I came to see drama! Petunia: I'm fine with you guys not laughing at my jokes. Bob: So are you still gonna sell your flower shop and become a comedian? Petunia: (laughing) No, I was joking! Boy, you guys really don't get my jokes, but that doesn't matter, 'cause you're my friends. And thank you for being so sensitive and sweet, trying to tell me. Larry: No problem! Petunia: That was so nice, Bob, when you were like, (imitating Bob) "We're your friends and we love you no matter what". All: (gasps) Madame Blueberry: How'd you do that? (Larry runs up to Petunia and looks inside her mouth.) Larry: Did you swallow Bob? Bob: No, I'm right here. Petunia, can you do that again? Petunia: (imitating Larry) It's me! Larry the Cucumber! I'm silly and lovable all at the same time! All: (laughing) Pa: What about me? Petunia: (imitating Pa) Come on down to Pa Grape's shop! You have to! We're the only store in town! All: (laughing) Bacon Bill: Do me! Do me! Petunia: (imitating Bacon Bill) I can't do Bacon Bill! Bacon Bill: (disappointed) Oh. Madame Blueberry: What about me? Petunia: (imitating Madame Blueberry) My accent makes everything I say sound delightful! All: (laughing) Ichabeezer: Okay, now me! Me! Petunia: (imitating Ichabeezer) I have an unhealthy obsession with my lawn! All: (laughing) Bob: I guess we were wrong, Petunia! You are funny! (Everyone continues laughing as the screen irises out, ending the episode.)Category:Transcripts Category:VeggieTales in the House transcripts Category:Finished Transcripts